I'll Never Be The Same

I found a link to this article on my Sisters blog. It really got me thinking.

While I find GREAT peace and comfort in recognizing and remembering all the blessings we have been given over this past year and to see Noah and how far he has come and know what a miracle every day is... I also now know that once an illusion is broken it can never be made whole again.

My faith gives me a huge safety net. It gives me hope and courage and comfort and a determination to face each day come what may. But at the same time, I am only mortal and full of weakness. Weakness that I believe any woman inherits the moment she becomes a mother. And now, after all we have been through, that weakness feels magnified and at times I have to fight it from over powering me.

The article says: In times of crisis, the brain goes into protective mode, a kind of extended present tense intended to get you through danger without wasting energy or emotional resources. After all, there is no evolutionary advantage to worrying about the future when the future may never come. Once the danger has passed, though, you have all the time in the world to feel - and you do.

I've been told that because we came so close to losing Noah so many times, our bodies experienced the feelings associated with it and they don't really know they difference. It's like our bodies remember those feelings and think we did lose him. That's one of the reasons Post-Traumatic Stress sets in.

So while I thank my Heavenly Father EVERY DAY for my precious precious little man, I also remind myself of all the miracles I witnessed, of how I personally saw the hand of the Lord in the events that took place. I remind myself that in spite of all the pain that the past year has given me... it's also given me a life time of JOY. So once the danger has passed and you have all the time in the world to feel... I chose to feel joy.

And while it still might not be an easy road and I still fight weakness I am taking each day come what may.